Whew!!

We have air conditioning again!! Oh man, I almost forgot what it could feel like to actually enjoy being in my house! The repairman came today (so glad I suggested Daniel try calling another place after the first place said they could come in SEVEN DAYS - yuck!). So that has really lifted my spirits. Yesterday was my first day back with Daniel home and not working (he works 4 10's, so he gets Fridays off), and I realized how nice it is when he's around to help with Naomi. We spent the day at Barnes & Noble, though, because the house was so miserable. We still swaddle her for naps and it just felt like child abuse to do it in that heat, but thankfully she can nap fairly well in a carrier so walking around B&N was a much cooler nap option.

My shoulder has continued to have zero problems, and I'm so glad. The knots are pretty much gone by now, so I'm still going gentle with upper body stuff. Friday I did Shred Wkt 2 in the morning, and this time I did the arm work, but no weights (except for bicep curls which never bothered the shoulder). I really felt it in my abs/core this time! This morning I jogged with Naomi, and added a half mile to my usual two, which was exciting. I realized on Thursday that I was enjoying it so much more because I was going slower (to take care of my shoulder). My other runs I've been pleased with my speed, but it's not very enjoyable. I want to do better at including both kinds of runs. This morning I tried starting slow and not worrying about speed, but once I warmed up I was feeling good enough to go faster, so I did for the last 2 miles. Then I walked another half mile home. I did crunches (2x30 normal, and 2x30 obliques), and did two sets of girl push-ups - 10 and then 15. That felt fine, which was encouraging, injury-wise.

Another thing that has been really positive for me this week is related to eating. One of my biggest struggles with eating is eating to soothe myself when something goes wrong. A long time ago I heard the idea of consciously doing something other than eating when stressed (like take a bath, read a book, etc), which of course makes a lot of sense, but has always made me angry and I've never been able to do it (?). I think I discovered this week why I get mad. In high school I lost a significant amount of weight, and felt great about my appearance but was lonely and unhappy in general in my life (partly connected to the amount of effort that I was putting into maintaining my weight loss). Ever since then, I've tended to roller-coaster up and down with my weight. There have been a handful of seasons in my life when I have been really free from this roller coaster - not focusing on losing weight but happy with my body, eating to nourish myself and not overindulging a lot. But I've never been able to stay there.

This week I realized that the idea of soothing myself in some way besides eating makes me angry because part of me is afraid that I will head into that spiral again that I was in in high school - that the perfectionist side of me will take over and take me all the way back to that lonely, unhappy place. So I eat in order to "prove" to my perfectionist side that I don't have to do that. Wow! I didn't realize I was doing that, but since I realized that, I've felt a new degree of freedom inside. Kind of like when you consciously recognize something that used to be unconscious, it doesn't have as much power over you. Eating when I'm not hungry does not help me, and although I do want to hold onto that desire to not be that "perfect", lonely person again, now that I am 31 and not 16, I have other ways to do that besides overeating. This week I tried lying down or massaging my back, or drinking ice water, or watching 10 minutes from a movie I like, to relax me. It has been really great!

Oh my gosh. I just realized that I am twice as old as I was when I was 16.

Anyway, I am holding it gently, but I feel excited about this new realization and freedom, and I feel very encouraged about how nice it was this week to actually do things that cared for me when I was stressed rather than eating.

discouraged

Ran 4 miles today. It's been awhile. I did a 5 mile run when I first came to CO and between getting sick and the altitude/dryness, hadn't managed to do more than a 2 mile run since. So it was nice today to do a decent run. I was starting to freak out and think that I'd get all out of shape and would have to take weeks to work back into my routine again. But doing the run today reassured me that I'm doing okay.

However, I am starting to get really bloated and am feeling fat (even though I logically know I am doing fine). But I'm feeling discouraged. I know a lot of it is out of my control. About mid-cycle, I always get bloated and I have very little control over my diet now as I am a guest at someone's house, and so I am just not going to feel as healthy. But it is just starting to get me down and not having Jesse around certainly isn't helping. It has taken me since February to lose 8 pounds, and I fear that I am going to gain 5 pounds on this trip and will be back where I began 5 months ago. I know that I am probably overreacting, but I just wish I had control over something in my life right now and I just don't. My kids are really missing Jesse now too, and I am struggling to be brave and strong for them so that they can be comforted. But I want to be comforted too!!!! Ah, well. Just 2 1/2 weeks left. Just....

Please pray for me now, as it is very tempting to turn to unhealthy food for comfort (and energy bursts) at this time. That and it is everywhere to tempt me. Chips, brownies, etc. It is hard to continually practice discipline when the temptation is right there.