Just Bobbing Up and Down For Now

Today did Shred Wkt 2. Yesterday did a 25 minute swim again. Wednesday I think was also Shred 2. Sleep has been limping along lately - I'm really thankful for a weekend, because I'm hoping I can get some naps in.

Thanks to those of you who've mentioned how my posts on eating have encouraged you - that is coming back and now re-encouraging me. I've just started to feel discouraged because, well probably honestly because I feel like I'm in a very imperfect place right now. The weight of the stuff that came up last week is still sinking in, and I feel like I haven't yet "righted my kayak," or gotten it straight inside of me what's going on (or rather, what happened and how it affected me - especially the couple that is splitting up). It's still kind of a mess inside, and my eating reflects that. Kind of like I'm just bobbing up and down in the kayak, and can't go anywhere yet.

But hearing from some of you that you are looking at eating spiritually is motivating me right now to declare what my new, for-the-time-being goals will be, until I can get a little steadier stance. Even though I feel out of whack (and even though my eating has been out of whack this week), I'm going to try to stick to eating at mealtimes. It doesn't matter if I eat a bigger meal or not, what matters is that I put together a full, balanced, satisfying meal onto one plate (or at least sit down with it all at one time), and enjoy eating it. I don't need to worry about being a perfect balance between satisfied and full, or wait until I'm perfectly hungry blahblahblah, BUT when the meal is done, it's done. No eating half a meal so that I have the excuse to nibble more between meals to make up for it - that just gets me feeling yucky later. I can also have my 3pm snack if I'd like, but other than that no eating between meals.

That's my new goal. If I don't meet it, I at least can be more specific in looking at what happened. Hopefully this will help clear away some of the murky cloudiness of the past week, and give me a bit more clarity. But I am also realizing I need to give myself grace: I've been going through a lot emotionally, and it makes sense that I've been floundering and feeling a bit lost. If things are murky, that is kind of natural.

Jess - thanks for the sympathy about napping - my thoughts/feelings exactly when someone interrupts a nap!! And while I didn't kill them, I DEFINITELY called our HOA manager this morning when the same neighbors who had the loud construction all week had a dog out on their patio (right below Naomi's window) who began barking incessantly at 6 am this morning, and did not stop for a few hours. In life there are a lot of things you have no control over, but it sure is nice when you can exert SOME control!

Katie J - I don't think I've ever heard of a Dormition fast - interesting. What is it and when/why do you do it? I definitely have a trigger food and its name is sugar. I find that I have to almost completely avoid it, and it actually makes a physical difference for me - as in, I physically am much more able to avoid overeating if I don't have sugar in my system. I'm still not sure exactly where my tipping point is, as I can have a small amount and still be ok (it also seems like agave doesn't bother me, though I'm not sure if that's also because I usually only use a small amount when I use it?). But I have found that if I have a dessert or a larger amount of sugar, I will often feel the effects almost immediately (an unpleasant "surge" through my body, like my blood is pumping harder and faster, and it feels icky), and then the next 24 hours I will want to eat more. If I can be aware of it and hold back from giving in, after about 24 hours it all passes and I'm back to normal. But if I do give in and eat, the cycle seems to continue.

Amie - I know what you mean about the NOT eating a good meal actually contributing to eating poorly later - I am the same way! I want to check out your recipe - sounds yummy!

Catching Up

Did Shred Wkt 2 today. My foot is fine, and I'm glad to be back in business. I was also able to have a good phone conversation with my sister yesterday to begin to process some of what has been going on for me, which helped me a lot. Yesterday eating was GREAT - the emotional charge is definitely way down, and that was noticeable. I am also feeling much better about handling stress and fussy babies, and my overall perspective on life is much brighter.

Kelly - so exciting about your 6-miler! Man, I have to admit I'm jealous - I miss being able to do longer runs. But I know that will only make it all the sweeter when I'm finally able to do them again. :) I like the way you're thinking of dividing up your workout week, with a mix of distances and speeds. That sounds smart, and is something I'd like to do. Thanks for your thoughts on eating. One thing I have been thinking about lately is not worrying so much about my eating. It's difficult because, when I'm honest with myself, I'm NOT really happy with my body right now. I'm within a healthy weight range, but I'm definitely closer to the high end and I'd like to be lighter and trimmer. But I definitely don't want to diet - I have done it before with great success but I always always bounce back after it, and that mentality just is dangerous for me. So I'm wondering if maybe, sort of like you're saying, if I don't stress about it, keep exercising, and keep trying to simply focus on not blatantly overeating (different from worrying about "did I just eat a bit too much?" and agonizing over that), if my body will find a happy medium. Maybe I just need to give it more time. I really enjoy exercising regularly and I really enjoy eating healthily so usually junk food isn't a problem if I can stay out of the sugar rut. Maybe I'm just not giving myself a chance to let it work itself out. When I think of how long it took you and others on here to lose baby weight, it makes me think I should just give myself some more time for my body to find its way. I read somewhere recently a quote about body image that I love: "Maybe it's not about learning to fall in love with my body... maybe it's about learning to fall in love with LIFE!"

Christa - Glad to hear you and Dan got a walk in together. And so glad to hear about his biking ventures! Yay! I'm sorry your shoulder's been giving you trouble, but I was happy to hear you got some new DVD's, even if they are cheesy :) ;) I have a Rodney Yee video too, and like it though I haven't done it in awhile. As for weights, I love my 5 lbs. I don't know if that would be too much of a leap for you, but I think they're pretty good (plus it's possible to find 2-lb spaghetti jars that you could then later eat if you didn't need them as weights anymore).

Jess - ha - yes, the standing mtn climbers have my name written all over them! :) At some point I wonder if I could borrow your "Banish/Boost" to check it out and see if I'd like to get my own? I loved the Carb Burner clip - my favorite part was the shadowboxing with the encouragement to "Knock out some carbs! Bam!" hee hee

Katie J - Yay for you! What a great feeling about your weight, and even neater that you feel stronger and happier :) Thank you so much for your prayers and empathy - that means a lot. I never knew how precious uninterrupted sleep was until I lost it! Now I see more why not sleeping at all can eventually drive a person to psychosis! I am grateful to have a husband who is so helpful and involved. Also, sleep has been better since we got home - thanks for praying.

Amie - That's interesting to hear about P90X. I actually have a version of "Power 90 Sculpt/Sweat", but I don't think that's exactly the same thing. It's got a 45 min aerobic part, and a 45 min strength part. Maybe that's the other one you mentioned that's not quite as hard. I'm so glad to hear that Julie is home with her baby - wow, what a miracle! Thank God for medical intervention when it's needed, huh? :)

Emily - I loved hearing that you and Gabe got a little "date" hike on your camping trip - yay! :) Sounds like fun.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

... you may choose to make lemonade with it, but it still hurts like a mother when you get squirt in the eye along the way.

This past week or so was really really hard for me. On the exercise front, I am proud of how I did, and eating too, but everything kind of came crashing down yesterday when I spent an hour trying to calm a screaming baby with the loudest construction happening right below her window, and when she finally went to sleep I totally overate. Then it hit me just how hard it has been the past 10 days or so, and how much I need to process.

I already shared in my last post what had been happening sleep-wise at the start of our vacation. That continued until we came home the following Saturday, although Daniel let me sleep in a separate room a couple nights so I could at least get some more sleep, which helped some (I still woke some though). Thursday I stubbed my toe so hard that I spent a few hours believing I had broken it. This was also scary for me. After talking to a friend who recently broke her toe, and after hours of elevating, icing, resting, etc. the next morning I woke up and it felt a whole lot better - no bruising, no swelling, mobility, etc. I still stayed off of it for 2 more days after that, but now I am quite sure it's not broken and pretty much have full mobility back (in terms of walking around and doing normal activity). I think I just stubbed it really hard.

Layered on top of this was not only anxiety about spending some condensed time with a family member who pushes my boundaries, and around whom I have to work hard to protect those boundaries. I found out that a couple that Daniel and I care a lot about are splitting up, and I also had some painful encounters with 2 other family members who I care a lot about, but who are making or have made bad choices. I've spent most of my life trying to fix them and am only recently realizing how much I have lost by trying to do that, and am now instead trying to just grieve what is not.

And it just hurts.

Most of last week I was not in a position to actually feel that grief - just kind of had to see it, let go of trying to fix it, and then put it away until I could actually process it. But you know, grief just sucks to feel, and it's so much easier to put it out of mind if it's out of sight. So once we were away from the family members and I would have actually had space to process I completely forgot about processing it. Except that I felt depressed. And then starting this past Sunday it started to build more. And then yesterday (Mon) it built even more. When the whole loud construction "nap" was not happening yesterday, and I got so upset afterwards, it was so noticeable to me that I couldn't help but sit back and think, "whoa... ok something is really not ok." Then when I began to write out all that had been going on in the last 10 days, it sank in how much stress I've been under, how much pain I've pushed down, and how much I need to process.

In a lot of ways this shows me that I actually have made a whole lot of progress this past month with my emotional eating. For one thing, I realized that it has been a whole 4 weeks of not overeating at all! That's a pretty big deal for me. For another thing, it only took one time of overeating to realize something was wrong, and I was actually able to identify it and begin processing it. I've battled depression in my life several times, and - although painful - it feels good this time to connect the depressed feeling to actual feelings underneath and begin to stir those up instead of feeling trapped in this numb, dead feeling. At least it feels more alive, and there is some fresh air and hope. But I still hate grieving. Hate it.

Anyway.

Exercise. I am proud of myself for the past week, how I dealt with everything that came my way. Up in the mountains, I was able to do shred a few times (when we were staying in a cabin), I did a couple runs that were really challenging, and I took a few hikes. Yet at the same time I rested instead of working out when I was lacking sleep, and when I injured my foot I completely rested it and didn't do anything for a few days. One of the days I was resting my foot, I did crunches and pushups to challenge myself, instead of giving up on doing a workout completely. I was flexible and enjoyed being on vacation and with others, and didn't go to either extreme of completely abandoning my workouts and overeating, or holding on so tight to my scheduled workouts that my schedule has trouble meshing with the group schedule (both of which I've done in the past). Sunday I was starting to feel the motivational inertia of taking time off from working out (plus the depression), so I figured out something I could do that would still give my foot a break but let me get a workout: I went to the pool and swam some laps for about 25 minutes (which felt great - my triceps were KILLING me!! Shred just isn't the same as swimming!) Yesterday I tried "shred" again, and my foot was fine, so today I did half of my usual run and it is still fine. I think I can go back to normal exercising now. I am proud of myself for not giving up completely, but not pushing myself too hard and listening to my lack of sleep and my injury and letting myself rest.

Eating. I am also proud of how I've been eating, even though I could feel really discouraged that I overate yesterday. Looking back at the last week, I realize how much stress I was under, and am so pleased that I didn't turn to food like I could have. Instead, I realize that I have grown in using my voice to set boundaries (rather than using food to deal with frustration when boundaries are crossed), and in letting go of things I can't change (still far from perfect in this area, but a lot further than I used to be).

A few responses

Katie J - So neat to hear you're noticing a difference in your ability to work through an injury by doing different things. I'm so sorry about your foot - ow!! And you mentioning the podcasts again makes me interested in checking them out. That's great that you can do "useful exercise" - cleaning up while getting a workout. I've thought similar things about people who drive to the gym to run on a treadmill :). Obviously some people live too far from a gym to be able to run to it, but it's still humorous to me.

Christa - I haven't gotten to read your post yet but I was so so so happy to see your name back on here!! Miss you!

No more time now - will be back.

A Thought-Gathering Post

I haven't posted in a few days and may not post for a few more, although it's not because I haven't been exercising. But this post isn't exactly organized, or even all that focused on exercise, so feel free to skip it if you're not interested. I need to vent a little I guess.

I'm frustrated because I'm starting to get sick, and sleep has been falling apart. I'm starting to feel discouraged. Right now we are up in the mountains with family, and it was supposed to be a fun vacation. Some parts have been fun, but overall I am miserable. We came up Saturday to my dad and stepmom's condo. We were joined the next day by my in-laws, and the plan was to stay here until Tue, when we'd all drive another couple hours to Bridgeport where my stepdad's extended family are camping all week. We'd camp 2 nights, come back to the condo on Thursday, stay 1 or 2 more nights here and then drive home.

But.

It has not been going well at ALL in the sleep department. Thursday Naomi came down with a fever, and we still aren't sure what she had (it broke the next morning) but we suspect roseola (virus), plus possibly teething. So she was up a lot Thurs night, and for long periods. Friday night was bad again; although she was feeling better, maybe her body was still "off" from how she slept Thursday. Saturday she woke up super early and the whole day's routine of napping and eating was thrown off. We left at 5:30 pm for the mountains and she didn't fall asleep til 10 pm - waaaay past her usual bedtime. I tried to sleep in the car (it's a 6+ hour drive), but that was not very successful and we had to stop several times. We pulled in at 1:30 am, when we had to transition her to bed, which involved more crying and nursing, etc. I slept from 2am - 6am, when she woke up. She went back to sleep but I didn't.

Sunday I tried to nap when she did, but only slept 30-40 minutes both times. Then Sunday night, I went to bed early to try and make up for the lost sleep, so I laid down at 9:30, only to be woken up at 10:30 and 11:30 by a baby whose bowels seemed to be really hurting her, poor thing. Slept from about 12 to 3am, when she woke up again, and now it's 10:30 am and I have been awake almost 8 hours already. This isn't even mentioning some of the really difficult relational situations I've been put in the last couple days.


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

This is really NOT enough sleep for me. I did run Sat morning, and did Shred 1 Sunday afternoon, but I skipped my run this morning. We're going to try and hike now. I tried to take a nap just now but when Naomi woke up 20 minutes after we put her down for her 9am nap (to which she barely made it, eyes slamming shut, so I don't know why she woke up... maybe the LOUD CONSTRUCTION we discovered they will be doing on the roof all week? grr). She's wide awake now and I'm too worked up about it all to nap, so we're going to hike and try to nap after that.

I've been keeping up with my workouts otherwise, and I had stuff to say about them, but now I am just so mad about this whole sleep thing I can't remember what I was going to say. I don't know if we're going to stay up here all week, like we'd planned, because I definitely can't go 5 more nights like this. But that is so disappointing!

Anyway, I wanted to check in; apologies for the not-very-workout-related post. I'd love to sit and read other people's posts some time soon, and respond. Maybe that will happen someday...

Inspiring Cuteness

Jess - LOVE IT!! That was hilarious! That poor girl - not only the horrible choker, but... hello?? what was going on with her pants? Were they camo? Or were they shreds of fabric pinned together? And yes, I think if you can't get that move that it is not a terrible thing, as the move was pretty funny :) BUT I think it looks like a great workout, and a really fun way to get some good exercise! Thanks for sharing :)

My hip is better. I am really glad I didn't run on it yesterday - I think that day of rest was just what it needed. It's good for me to write that out and see it (and to have experienced it), because I can tend to drive myself too hard, not believing that rest does any significant good (I take after my dad in that sense - can be a good thing to be so persevering, but it can get out of appropriate bounds real fast). But it's clear to me that resting yesterday did help. I didn't succeed very much at massaging throughout the day - partly because when I tried in the morning I never really found the right spot, and partly because the later part of the day was spent out of the house. The other thing I want to remember in the future is using a heating pad! I finally remembered this before going to bed, and I really believe that's a big reason I feel better today.

So today I debated giving my knots another day of no exercise to work themselves out or not, but opted to go ahead and go for a run, since my hip didn't really bother me most of the day yesterday, and the knots themselves weren't feeling too bad today. I'm glad I did - at this point, nothing hurts from it. I stretched pretty well afterwards (which I'm usually terrible at doing), and massaged my back more. I did crunches (but no push-ups, just in case).

Here is a shot of one of my motivations to get out for a run. This little girl LOVES riding in the stroller. She's usually silently fascinated the whole time, and if I pause at a stoplight and peek in at her, she barely even looks at me because she's so "in the zone" gazing at all her surroundings. I love it.



(not sure why the picture looks so bad - if you click on it, the larger version is much clearer)

I give myself a B for how eating went yesterday. I didn't have any major setbacks, but in the evening I just kind of fuzzed (don't ask me for a precise definition of that word). Part of it was, the snack I chose in the afternoon ended up being quite a bit more filling than I expected, and I wasn't hungry for dinner (which is always a bummer for me - I love eating dinner as a family). And then, I'd tried a new recipe for dinner and not only did Daniel not like it, but I didn't like it! :( One little "loss" I am grieving with letting go of eating a bit more is that when a meal is disappointing, it bothers me more than it used to. It's like I make the effort to not indulge in snacks or nibbles and "save it up" for being hungry for my meal, and when the meal "lets me down," boy is that disappointing! (I'm sorry if this is kind of silly, but it helps me to try and sort all of this out here.) One thing I want to try and consciously do differently in the future if this happens, is to consider not finishing my meal. Last night I finished it anyway, but then felt very dissatisfied even though full. And, more than that, I felt mad! Mad that the meal didn't turn out, and then mad also because now I'm full of food I did not enjoy. This led to nibbling later on in the evening, as if to "make up for my loss" of a good satisfying meal by eating more (which, for the record, does not work). Instead, one obvious option for next time, would be to finish the meal but be more intentional about brushing my teeth or something afterwards and just waiting for the next meal or next time I'm hungry to eat. Or another idea would be to try stopping mid-meal and eating something else, or doing something else with the food. (For example, last night it was an Indian-style meatloaf with curry and a tahini sauce. The meatloaf itself was fine, but there was way too much tahini on top and I didn't like it. So I could probably scrape off the sauce and make a meatloaf sandwich with BBQ sauce or something that would be much more satisfying.)

Another reason for the "B" is that I didn't drink enough yesterday (largely due to being out and about).

One major victory was that I stopped at a place I love to pick up lunch (it's far away and I only go there once a month when I meet with my spiritual director, who is right up the street from it), but didn't eat past full! (which is not easy for me to do at this place) I just kept the rest in the box and had some for a snack later in the day. That's a big deal for me! I also noticed how it wasn't as extraordinary of an effort as it sometimes has been in the past to do that, which is encouraging to me.

Another thing I want to remember that I did today is eating a nice, full, satisfying breakfast (or any meal). If I eat a really good solid meal, I am about 98% less likely to snack between meals, and the amount of food I eat in a day (while still feeling satisfied) is significantly less. Sometimes I just grab something that I know isn't a full breakfast, instead of taking an extra 2 minutes to put together a complete meal, but it's like giving myself an excuse to just graze all morning because I am "finishing breakfast" (this isn't a good direction for me to go personally).

Em - I talked to Daniel about the chiropractor and he said sure! However, I'm guessing that I ought to go in when I'm in pain, right? Not after the fact? Since my hip is feeling better, should I just wait til the next time something goes wrong, or should I go in before that, even if I'm not in pain, just to make sure things are right?

Pressing Through

Friday was (hooray!) the last day of VBS. I'm really glad I was a part of it, but boy did it mess up Naomi's nap schedule (and hence her nighttime sleep schedule :( ). I did Shred Wkt 3 again. This time I actually did all the traveling push-ups and plank rows in the toughest position! That felt good! Otherwise, still using 3 lb weights. I think I did all the mtn climbers in the first set straight through, too, which was a LOT harder than I thought it would be!

Friday we went camping, and sleep was pretty bad - it was very frustrating that our one set of neighbors arrived very noisily at 10:30 pm, an hour after we'd all turned in; and then our other set of neighbors in a huge RV decided to arrive at 12:30 am, and then let their kids run around, screaming and yelling and laughing while they got their RV and generators (?) all hooked up (no joke - it was awful). But I was awake at 6:30 Saturday morning anyway, and lying in bed in a tent is not very comfortable so I decided to go for a run. I decided to just go out 10 min and turn around since I had no idea of distance. I actually came home 1:30 faster than I went out! That was very encouraging. No crunches/pushups.

Sunday I took off, as usual. But that evening we walked half a mile down to Chipotle for dinner and my hip was hurting me. It felt like my shoulder did a few weeks ago - like a tendon was being rubbed back and forth along a sharp bone or something. That's a bad description but it's the closest I can come up with. I tried stretching my gluts, which helped some, but it kept tightening back up. I am pretty sure it's my back again - sleeping in the tent tweaked my back pretty badly, so maybe that's what messed me up. But I think there are knots that are causing surrounding muscles (this time my gluts/hips) to compensate. Right now I have monthly massages (at least for a few more months - birthday gift), but I am wondering if seeing a chiropractor might be more effective. (Any input on how effective that would be, based on the problems I've described having on here?)

So no running for me today until I can get my hip feeling better. :( I actually am really sad about that, because today should have been a running day... if it were Shred, I don't think I'd feel very sad at all. :) I got down to do make myself do crunches and pushups at least, but at the first push-up I stopped, realizing if the hip injury is in fact because of knots in my back, doing pushups might also injure my shoulder like last time. So just crunches. It let me focus more on my form though, and I'm still surprised at how poor it is! So I worked on that. My "workout goal" for today is to stretch and massage as often as I can, and see if I can get the pain to go away by tomorrow.

Eating is always a lot harder for me when I have to cut back on my usual exercise. I think it's the sitting around that makes me want to snack. This morning is already weird because my routine is different, but I made myself brush my teeth after breakfast and then sit down to write this instead of reading blogs and nibbling, while Naomi naps. After this, I want to shower and get dressed, and massage a bit. Other than that, eating has continued to go well. Stress isn't the only reason I overeat, but I have been so focused on that the last couple weeks that I didn't notice myself also wanting to eat for some of the other reasons I have dealt with in the past - like boredom. So I had a few days there where hunger and fullness were fuzzy to me, and I felt a little confused about when and how much to eat. I tried to just keep re-focusing on eating normal-sized meals at normal times. A few times I felt really frustrated because I so wanted to just put something in my mouth, but I knew I was not hungry and it wasn't time for a meal or anything. I resorted to chewing gum a couple times, and ice water and doing something absorbing a few other times. Those things worked. And every time, I was so glad later, because after an hour or two, I would be hungry for my next meal! And that was very rewarding. So I'm continuing to try and take steady steps forward, and to hold my ground as sturdily as I can, without giving up because of the fuzzy times or lapses.

Re: sleep. Middle of the night is better now - other than a few nights last week when Naomi was up (and camping of course), I've been able to sleep through. I stopped taking Magnesium supplements about 10 days ago I think, because they were starting to give me nightmares (at least I think it was because of that - that seems to happen after I take any particular thing for sleep, after awhile). I worried I would start waking mid-night again, but I haven't. BUT I've begun waking early every morning, like 5:30 or 6, when Naomi sleeps til at least 6:30 or 7. That stinks. I think with all of these various sleep problems, that my sleep cycle gets disrupted once or twice, and then gets into a rut. I wish I could get out of this rut - I'm not quite sure what to do, since it seems too difficult to go back to sleep for only about 40 minutes. For now I'm just going to try and nap diligently.




Thanks Emily and Kelly for the input about the bladder issue. I think I will send a message to my midwife and ask her about it, and I have begrudgingly begun to do Kegels when I think of it. I do not love my attitude about that, by the way, but this is at least a start. :)

Jess - Yes, I have a couple weight options - 5 lb dumbbells and 3 lb spaghetti jars. :) I also had lighter spaghetti jars but don't really use those anymore. I'd like to get some heavier dumbbells for just one or two of the exercises (at this point), but haven't gotten to it yet. I've been thinking of getting 7 lb dumbbells, because 2lb seems like a good increase to me - so that it's harder but not so hard that I can't do the exercise properly. But then I'm wondering about getting just 2lb dumbbells, which I could hold simultaneously with the 5lb ones, equaling 7lb. And then maybe getting 10lb dumbbells for the really easy exercises. I don't want to end up getting tons and tons of dumbbells, but it seems like, if I can hold two dumbbells in one hand (I know I can at least do two 5's), that combo could get me pretty far - 2lb, 5lb, [7lb], 10lb, [12lb], [15lb]. Or maybe like Katie J, I'll get 3's instead of 2's.

Thanks for describing your surgery and how you got through it mentally! That is helpful to hear about, and I think if I ever had it done, that the Jesus prayer would really help me too! That's a good idea. And I'm glad to know they hold your eyes open (even if that would be a little scary) - stupid as it sounds, I remember thinking, "I just couldn't hold my eyes open! I know I'd blink and then... what would happen??" :)

Katie - That made me so sad to read your story about how you got chronic bursitis. I'm sorry! :( That's great that you've been able to work around it and still be active, while taking care of that. I mentioned on here before about watching my parents age, and seeing some things I want to emulate and others I don't. My dad was a runner and, in denial of a long-term injury, popped Excedrin on an empty stomach for years, so that he could keep running. When we were vacationing on Catalina Island one summer, his stomach finally ruptured and we all had a very very scary night, including blood everywhere and a life-flight helicopter taking him to the mainland to the nearest hospital. While I wish I could have learned this some other way, that experience really taught me that it's not worth it to me to deny injuries or bully them, but to listen to them. Luke is blessed to have a mommy who can model healthy self-care for him!

Kelly - So glad to hear you were able to eat more like you like this last week, and able to get out a lot and exercise. And so happy to hear you are (now less than) a week away from being all together as a family again!

Long Post from Katie P

Uh, so I didn't get to reading and responding yesterday as I was needed in Mommy form. Hopefully I'll be able to do that tonight.

Exercise: Ran 2 mi this morning, plus crunches and pushups (I'm back up to 2 sets - 15 and 17, non-girl pushups). Got a short nap.

Eating: Continues to amaze me, this feeling of freedom. It is going so well that I am hesitant to even write about it, out of a faint superstitious belief that it will "all fall apart" if I talk about it out loud. I am almost in disbelief at how often a tall, cold glass of ice water is actually what I needed, when I would have *sworn* 5 minutes before that I was feeling tired because FOOD would be the only thing that would help me! It is also funny to me how quickly that whole big glass of water can be suddenly empty again - I am thirstier than I realized I guess. I find myself feeling surprised that I don't need to eat as much in a day as I thought I did, though I am still figuring out how much I need. I've tried "eating intuitively" before, and this time I am finding that a tad more structure than I used to use helps me - I am eating at mealtimes (rather than completely ignoring the clock and eating whenever hungry), and I'm starting with just a normal meal-sized portion (rather than going bite by bite to see how hungry/full I am).

The latest bend in the road is that today I began to feel a bit unsure about hunger and full. I ate a snack around 4pm (I found at the end of last week that I usually need this in order to get me through to dinner, or else I get too hungry). Then I met up with Daniel at a street market, where we got food. I ordered a tamale that was too small, so went back and ordered 2 more after I ate the first one. After eating the 2nd one, I felt good to go, but I wasn't sure if I should eat the 3rd one. The last two nights, I've felt quite hungry right before bed, so I ate the 3rd one thinking it might help me avoid that. But then I felt full. Then I got home and felt dissatisfied. Was I hungry? Was I just worried? Augh!! Now that I write it out, I think I just got too worried about it all. My stomach can stretch for this reason, and it's ok if sometimes I eat a bit too much, and other times don't eat quite enough. It's not the end of the world, and I shouldn't get so focused on every twinge I feel. I want to build a pattern I can sustain over the long haul, and that has to be flexible. So I'm going to look at tonight as a flex. Those nights I went to bed hungry were fine, and tonight I don't think I'll go to bed hungry and that's probably fine too.


Jess - Thanks for your suggestion about the hammock! I think you'd mentioned that to me before and I'd forgotten it. We actually don't have any string hammocks, only cloth ones, but thankfully the a/c is still working fine (plus it hasn't been quite as hot) so swaddling has been fine.

Thanks also for what you shared about re: beliefs about your writing. Yes it is so freeing to see the trap and then be able to walk around it! It's funny: just yesterday while getting my hair cut, a lady made the off-hand comment, "Don't you just wish you were a baby again - no worries, no responsibilities." (not totally random - Naomi was sitting there :) ) And while on the one hand I totally get this and agree, still more of me feels like, "There is no way in heck I'd like to be a baby again!" Partly because it would mean going through childhood and adolescence all over again, and all that drama, and I'm so glad I don't have to relive high school! :) But partly because maturity is really great and I enjoy it! This being able to see a belief and walk around it is one of those abilities gained through time and experience that I would be very sorry to lose, just for the sake of having less responsibility! No thanks!

I'm so glad your surgery went so well! I think superpower is a great word for it :) It gave me a new and deeper awe of Jesus, going around simply touching eyes and bringing sight, just reading what you wrote - I can't imagine what it must be like for you! It's so funny how connected all our body parts are, that lifting weights can put more strain on the eyes! Makes sense, but interesting. Hearing yet another positive report of Lasik tips my "thinking about it" scale just a bit more... maybe someday I'll do it. I have to admit that one negative thing in my brain is how freaked out I think I would be at having to keep my eyes open during the procedure. Was that a big deal for you? or not?

Amie - Thank you so much for the update on Julie. I'm so sorry she is still in ICU and not getting to cuddle her little one, but so thankful she is still alive! Is her life still at risk, or is it now a matter of salvaging the functioning of as many organs as possible? Your time in MT and your upcoming camping sound crazy to me, but I hope you enjoy it! :) I love Montana - Daniel's brother has lived there for about 6 years, and we've spent a few weeks there before. It's beautiful.

Katie - I smiled when I read your comment about CA homes not having A/C - that IS the nice thing about places like TX or other hot places... because of the incredible heat, they have a/c in every home! Good for you for adapting so that you can still work out, even while you can't get outside. And what a great feeling to see how much stronger you've become (with the Prevention DVD)!

I definitely HATE working out in the evenings. Not only am I more tired physically, but mentally I am winding down for the day and working out isn't exactly relaxing or fun in my mind. I like to work out first thing in the morning because it gets it out of the way, honestly. I think it also boosts me up, and I feel good about the fact that I exercised, which gets me more pumped for the day. Also I love mornings (always smells fresh, cool air, etc) so when I'm exercising outside I enjoy being out in the early morning. But I think your idea about doing workouts during naptime to help yourself with depression feelings and the pull of eating might be a great solution.

Emily - So glad karate is going well, and that you are not pushing yourself to do more. In terms of overall health (including body AND heart/soul/mind), it sounds like you are really nailing it by managing your stress and not trying to do too much.

That's hilarious about "Women at Large"! ha!

Great point about your lack of internet being a blessing because it kept you from "checking out" - I'm glad you mentioned that. I always find that when I give up Internet for a bit, I feel so much better! And yet it always sucks me back in. It's so much like me and sugar, now that I think about it! I feel so much better when I'm not eating sweets (which for me translates into eating them rarely - as opposed to never - but in my head I have to think of it as, "I don't eat sweets," or else I will get sucked into eating them waaaay too often and too much :) ). However, while life without sweets is workable for me, I just don't think life without Internet would work in my home... :) (But I can't put all the blame on my programming husband - I don't want to give it up either!) But it is something for me to think about.

Okay, I just read that your blender broke - WOOHOO!!!!!! :) :) I can't WAIT to come see your Vitamix!! :) :) Ok, now I read the rest of your entry and realized that you aren't sure if you're going to get it. In some ways I don't want to give advice because I don't know your specific financial situation, so maybe it is not a good idea for you guys to get it. But if you're asking for general, fairly uninformed input, I would say get it! I hope this isn't faulty or ungodly reasoning, but I don't think that spending money on pleasurable things is wrong. It can be just as sinful to be fastidious about something as it is to gorge yourself on it - pleasure is meant to be enjoyed but not glorified, and it can be glorified when we attach ourselves too tightly to it and require it, as well as when we focus too much on restricting or forbidding it. My thinking is: this blender will last you for the rest of your life (or a super long time at least), and I am sure you will not only get many many enjoyable "moments" from it, enjoying a smoothie or something else, but also you will be nourishing your family both in body and spirit - those green smoothies are great for them, and I bet they really enjoy them too. So I think it's an investment that is worth it. But again, I don't know your financial situation, and obviously there are plenty of things that should come before pleasure - a family needs food, babies need diapers, you need a car and gas in it, etc. But if there isn't a real, tangible expense or debt that would keep you from buying this, but rather it is just a fear of spending a lot of money on something you will enjoy, I say spit in the face of the temptation to idolize frugality and buy the Vitamix and enjoy it every time you use it!

(...um... hope that was not too strong. I just read a discussion on Facebook about how Christians should not wear shorts to church if they love God and I think it got me a little too fired up when I came to thinking about your Vitamix. So take what I said with a grain of salt. :) )

Yolanda - I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to go through as much transition as it sounds like you have recently gone through (in your academic and family life). That's a lot to swallow and digest and jump into (sorry for mixing my metaphors there, but they all seem appropriate). Good for you for determining to start again, with taking care of your body. You're right about the fact that you and your family will all be glad you did. I think in terms of my own inspiration, once I get in a routine, sticking with the routine just keeps me rolling, but when I get OUT of a routine and need to start again, I have been motivated in the past by looking at a picture of myself from a healthier time. But what's worked more effectively I think is just knowing it's taking me to a place I'd rather be, regardless of what I feel like now, because for me so much of being successful at staying fit and healthy is just doing it, whether I feel like it or not, and this attitude keys into that. I don't know how helpful that will be, but it's what's true for me. Other ideas for motivation: get some gear you enjoy (clothes or shoes or a headband) - it's actually gotten me out of bed in the morning because I was eager to wear my new swimsuit for swimming laps! Or give yourself some treat for working out - maybe a once a week dessert treat, or a luxurious bath or maybe a smaller daily treat. I know of someone who bought small sizes of a really expensive body wash and hair products that she loved but she put them in her gym bag and only let herself use them after she'd worked out as her treat.

Still Alive, Still Working Out

... just busy! Helping with VBS at church this week has thrown my routine off and it's been hard to find time to get on here. The good news is that I have been working out and napping! At least, I did yesterday. I want to today but just now Naomi was definitely not acting like she needed the nap I was hoping she'd want! I'll try again in an hour. (I have not been getting enough sleep.)

I'm back into Workout 3 of Shred... umph. Not quite sure what that sound is, but it seems appropriate. Workout 3 is the toughest for me (surprise surprise - it's the 3rd one! :) ), and I'm not thrilled about doing it again, but I can also appreciate that I am getting a good workout. Today was my first time doing it in a month and was unpleasantly surprised when suddenly I heard Jillian say, "Get down in a plank position for mountain climbers!" Noooo! My nemesis! I had forgotten about those! But I did them - 12 in a row before a step-touch break. I was also able to do all the traveling pushups in the harder position, and the first set of plank rows / leg lifts in the harder position. I did the 2nd set of rows on my knees, but to be honest that first set was not as hard as it was last month, and I should probably at least see how many I can do next time in the harder position, to challenge my body (not let my mind hold me back, which I always do). The fact that they weren't as hard surprised me since I had to back off the upper body work last week. But also I was using lighter weights throughout (3 lb weights, except for the dumbbell cleans, which I do with 10 lb of weight), so that might have helped. If so, I will continue doing that, because I like being able to do the full workout in the harder position even if I'm using smaller weights.

Yesterday I ran again, 2 miles. No time for crunches and pushups before VBS (nor for a shower! ew!) but oh well. Monday I did Workout 2 of Shred. I ran out of time in the morning, but did it in the afternoon when I got home.

Peeing is still problematic. Or rather, peeing is easy (too easy) - holding it while running or bouncing is the problem. I thought for awhile last month that it was getting better, but now it is definitely not better. The "best" proof of this happened just now. I'd walked Naomi down the street in the jog stroller so I could run some errands and by the end she was very hungry (and also sleepy, so I thought), so I decided to jog the half mile home. Problem was, I had NOT just gone to the bathroom (like I usually do RIGHT before I leave for a run), and I had on regular clothes and only minimal "protection". Yeah, I peed my pants. Nice dark shorts that really show wetness. Oh well. Maybe when Naomi weans... Until then, as long as I'm prepared for it, it isn't too big a deal. I guess though it's another one of those body limitations (like what we were talking about a few weeks ago with aging), and it is honestly sort of hard for me to accept. What if it never gets better? What if spontaneously breaking into a run, or doing jumping jacks or any kind of jumping will forever cause me to pee my pants? It kind of makes me sad to feel that limitation in my body and to know that I used to enjoy NOT being limited like that. Of course, it could get better too - I don't know. And of COURSE having Naomi was worth it, but it still makes me sad.

Alright, now to read and respond to y'all.

Whew!!

We have air conditioning again!! Oh man, I almost forgot what it could feel like to actually enjoy being in my house! The repairman came today (so glad I suggested Daniel try calling another place after the first place said they could come in SEVEN DAYS - yuck!). So that has really lifted my spirits. Yesterday was my first day back with Daniel home and not working (he works 4 10's, so he gets Fridays off), and I realized how nice it is when he's around to help with Naomi. We spent the day at Barnes & Noble, though, because the house was so miserable. We still swaddle her for naps and it just felt like child abuse to do it in that heat, but thankfully she can nap fairly well in a carrier so walking around B&N was a much cooler nap option.

My shoulder has continued to have zero problems, and I'm so glad. The knots are pretty much gone by now, so I'm still going gentle with upper body stuff. Friday I did Shred Wkt 2 in the morning, and this time I did the arm work, but no weights (except for bicep curls which never bothered the shoulder). I really felt it in my abs/core this time! This morning I jogged with Naomi, and added a half mile to my usual two, which was exciting. I realized on Thursday that I was enjoying it so much more because I was going slower (to take care of my shoulder). My other runs I've been pleased with my speed, but it's not very enjoyable. I want to do better at including both kinds of runs. This morning I tried starting slow and not worrying about speed, but once I warmed up I was feeling good enough to go faster, so I did for the last 2 miles. Then I walked another half mile home. I did crunches (2x30 normal, and 2x30 obliques), and did two sets of girl push-ups - 10 and then 15. That felt fine, which was encouraging, injury-wise.

Another thing that has been really positive for me this week is related to eating. One of my biggest struggles with eating is eating to soothe myself when something goes wrong. A long time ago I heard the idea of consciously doing something other than eating when stressed (like take a bath, read a book, etc), which of course makes a lot of sense, but has always made me angry and I've never been able to do it (?). I think I discovered this week why I get mad. In high school I lost a significant amount of weight, and felt great about my appearance but was lonely and unhappy in general in my life (partly connected to the amount of effort that I was putting into maintaining my weight loss). Ever since then, I've tended to roller-coaster up and down with my weight. There have been a handful of seasons in my life when I have been really free from this roller coaster - not focusing on losing weight but happy with my body, eating to nourish myself and not overindulging a lot. But I've never been able to stay there.

This week I realized that the idea of soothing myself in some way besides eating makes me angry because part of me is afraid that I will head into that spiral again that I was in in high school - that the perfectionist side of me will take over and take me all the way back to that lonely, unhappy place. So I eat in order to "prove" to my perfectionist side that I don't have to do that. Wow! I didn't realize I was doing that, but since I realized that, I've felt a new degree of freedom inside. Kind of like when you consciously recognize something that used to be unconscious, it doesn't have as much power over you. Eating when I'm not hungry does not help me, and although I do want to hold onto that desire to not be that "perfect", lonely person again, now that I am 31 and not 16, I have other ways to do that besides overeating. This week I tried lying down or massaging my back, or drinking ice water, or watching 10 minutes from a movie I like, to relax me. It has been really great!

Oh my gosh. I just realized that I am twice as old as I was when I was 16.

Anyway, I am holding it gently, but I feel excited about this new realization and freedom, and I feel very encouraged about how nice it was this week to actually do things that cared for me when I was stressed rather than eating.

It was great to see so many posts when I hopped on tonight! :)

Kelly - I'm always shocked at what a difference altitude makes. It never fails to make me feel totally out of shape! I'm sorry that it's such a struggle being in others' homes with their food around, and that you have no control over your diet. I can imagine that would be super tough. I am praying for you right now. And what you said about your kids wanting to be comforted because they miss Jesse, but YOU wanting to be comforted... oh that is one of the toughest things about parenting in my mind! I can't think of one vocation that requires you to be more selfless than parenting does.

Katie - Yay! That is encouraging to hear what a great week you had! I'm especially glad eating has been going well for you. I know what you mean about listening more to the need for fuel rather than ___ (comfort or indulgence or what-have-you). I love what you said about feeling like an athlete again. Cool. :) I also liked your suggestion about half-reading, half-playing when you are exhausted - I've done something sorta like that, just lying down (sometimes closing my eyes) and half-playing on the floor with Naomi when I'm tired. Not sure if that will work anymore though, now that she is starting to crawl (!).

Christa - I'm glad you're back :) I don't blame you for not working out in an un-air-conditioned house. That's great that you are feeling yourself improving! That is so encouraging. The only other workout video I've ever done (and liked) is Buns of Steel, which I like a lot but I don't even know if it's on disc - I ripped it off a VHS!

Jess - Wow - Lasik! It would be amazing to not need lenses anymore. My eyes are legally blind like yours, and it's hard to imagine them working right on their own again. I hope it goes great! I would enjoy hearing how the healing and "after" process goes for you - like if there are any problems, etc. I've long been hesitant about doing it myself because I must have heard a bunch of semi-negative tales about it in a row (that convinced me it wasn't worth it), but since then I've heard more and more positive reports - I'd love to hear what it's like for you. I have a feeling there are a lot more positive outcomes than negative, but I think I need to hear more stories to convince the non-rational part of me or something. (does that make sense?)

Good News

The strain in my shoulder/arm is gone today! The knots are still there in my back, though, and I'm pretty sure now that they were probably there before, and that I strained my shoulder when I did push-ups with the knots, not realizing they were there (compensating for the knotted muscles by overusing something in my shoulder). I am so glad! I was really worried yesterday, as I have injured my shoulder before and it was A PAIN to recover from.

So today I did a jog but not abs or arms. (I wanted to do the abs but never got to it.) I'm not sure what I'll do tomorrow yet. I'm still leery of doing Shred, and I'm not exactly sure when/how to ease back into that. I think I'll wait until the knots are gone, and then wait a couple more days to make sure. Maybe tomorrow I'll do Shred sans arms again. Or another jog or walk perhaps.

The other part of my commitment to my body today was to lie down and use the tennis ball on my back whenever Naomi napped. I have done that to the great relief of my back, along with keeping up with my ibuprofen (first time I've used that in over a year! I knew you shouldn't use it while pregnant and for some reason translated that to nursing as well... =p) The tennis ball has helped so much. It can really dig into the knots, and doing it every few hours has seemed good.

In other news it has been HOT. It's honestly not so bad compared to what other parts of the country get in summers (Texas!!), but we live upstairs and our air conditioning isn't working very well (we just realized), so it gets stuffy and yucky. Now we have to try and figure out what needs fixing. It really makes me appreciate that this kind of weather is only starting now, in mid-July, rather than in April like it usually does! Today Naomi and I met friends at the La Mirada water park, and took a cool bath together just now. That helped a lot.

Amie - how is Julie doing? I've prayed for her as she's come to mind throughout the day. I hope she's ok.

Emily - thanks for the caution. After watching Steph go through all her shoulder drama several years ago, I have more respect for the shoulder joint.

Listening to Injury

This morning I did Shred Wkt 2 (day 2), sans arms. Or at least mostly sans arms. My shoulder continued to bother me all day yesterday, shooting pain down to my wrist, and by evening it hurt to pick up Naomi and do things around the house, which was semi frightening, since those 2 things pretty much make up my life right now. My shoulder felt strained. So I took some Tylenol before bed, used a heating pad and tried to stretch the muscles around it. This morning when I woke up, it still hurt, and I realized it was connected to a yucky knot in the middle of my back. I'm not sure which came first, the strain or the knot, but I tried laying on a tennis ball some, which helped a bit.

I thought about not working out, and gauged where my heart was at. I felt discouraged and powerless, and I could tell that the injury was leading me toward sluggishness and giving up (rather than driving too hard despite injury, which was the other thing I was listening for), so I decided to work out but totally modify to avoid any pain to my arm. There was still a lot I could do with my legs and abs, and simple bicep curls seemed fine.

I was able to do jumping jacks and high knees for some of the cardio that I couldn't do, and sometimes for the plank stuff I just did lunges with bicep curls, but found that I was able to do most of the workout. And at least I did something. My shoulder feels only so-so now (evening), so I'm going to keep resting it and see how it goes.

Motivation

Just got done with the shower after a 2-miler and the sit-ups and push-ups. I am still hanging with being able to do 2x20 push-ups and 4x25 sit-ups. Right shoulder felt a bit strained or something today in final set of push-ups (?). Will keep an eye on it.

Monday - Shred Wkt 2 (first day); walked 1 mile w/ baby on back and groceries on return

Sunday - 2-mi run, no stroller. 2x20 p's, 4x25 s's

Saturday - rest, after a night of little sleep

Friday - Shred Wkt 1 (switched w/ Sat's wkt for time reasons)

Thursday - Shred Wkt 1

This weekend Daniel was out of state shooting a wedding. I've always struggled when he's gone overnight, even before we had a baby (it triggers some of my issues), but this was the first time he was away since Naomi was born. Since I've had some emotional meltdowns since she was born, I was pretty nervous about being a single parent for 3 days (even though things have been pretty good for the last month and a half or so). So I went and stayed with my family in San Diego, and even though there were some stresses this caused in itself, I am really glad I did it, just as a safety net for his first time away. I got horrible sleep (he's usually on night duty for pacifier, since I have trouble getting back to sleep), but we made it through and I am so glad he was able to go do what he loves for a few days. (Plus these last 2 nights of sleep have been GREAT!)

On a different subject, I am struggling with motivation. I know I said before that my current motivation is not to lose weight but just to get and stay fit and to try different forms of exercise. Well, that motivation's power is waning. Like it or not, I'm finding that now that I'm about 6 weeks into regular exercise, I honestly feel disappointed at not seeing greater results (I saw and felt some early on in June, but nothing more since then). I'm not all that frustrated with how my body looks or my weight, in and of itself, but I guess I feel like, "If I'm going to be putting in this effort that I'm putting in each day to work out, I deserve to see some change!" If I weren't working out, I think I would not feel discouraged about my body because I wouldn't be expecting to see change. Yolanda, I guess that is sort of what you posted about a couple weeks ago.

I know that I am not trying to modify my diet at all - just eat healthily, try to generally eat when hungry and stop when full, and deal with emotional eating when it crops up. In the past diet is usually what I need to modify if I am going to lose weight - I can exercise and stay at the same weight for forever. I didn't have post-baby weight to lose, I'm just where I started... but that is about 10 pounds more than the weight I like to be at, even if this weight is healthy for me. I do enjoy getting out and being active - the runs are nice, in a way - but it's very DEmotivating to me to still look (in my opinion) like I did 6 weeks ago. So it's like the motivation of just feeling good is shaky under the weight of my discouragement. Also, I'm not sure I want to tinker with my diet, because of the things I've mentioned before - I can get on a weight loss roller coaster but have trouble maintaining and would like to just maintain now, only I'm struggling with being content at this weight.

I'm wondering if I need to just keep doing it but focus elsewhere on other things in my life that bring me joy. I'm not one to really give up on exercise (I can keep eking it out), it's just not necessarily fun or motivating.

Now I'm Going to Shower...

Blech - I do not like it when I don't go shower right after working out. Now it's been 20 minutes that I've spent sitting here reading blogs and I am still not clean. What is it about that little decision? It is so important! Ok, after this it's on.

Running was great today. I always forget that while I'm running it's not as pleasant, but I think that is also because I am going slightly faster than I used to, and I am pushing a stroller. But I feel great when I'm done and doing something unpleasant for only 4 half-mile straightaways is actually over pretty quickly so I don't have to have that much fortitude. Whenever I'm not running (and am feeling good from said running), I think to myself, "I should increase my mileage!" Whenever I am actually running, I think to myself, "I am so glad I am only going 2 miles today!"

Coming home means the workout is still far from over, because I have to get the stroller folded and in the trunk of the car with one hand (baby in the other hand - bonus points today since a wriggly, spitting up baby is more difficult to manage than a sleeping baby) AND push-ups and sit-ups. Focused on keeping my core solid today during sit-ups (neck straight thru abs), and they were harder. Also, I was surprised today that I was able to eke out all 20 push-ups in a row for both sets. I did have more of a break after running than I did over the weekend (because of putting stroller away, walking upstairs and texting someone a few times). Maybe that helped. But I am also convinced that those last few shaky, super-slow reps actually do something to build strength. Huh.

Also walked a mile yesterday with Naomi in back carrier, doing errands. I love having her on my back rather than my front, and she loves it too because she can see more, so it's a win-win. Daniel worked a long day, so I had a 12-hour mommy shift and was feeling pretty wiped by the end of the day. Add in miscommunication between the two of us, and the fact that this upcoming weekend will be his first weekend out of town since Naomi was born (which makes me sad - missing him - and nervous - single parenting scares me), and I nibbled dried fruit and almonds until bedtime when I was not hungry. Bummer. But on the other hand, before that all day yesterday was good for me, eating-wise. Not perfect, but good and healthy overall (meaning how I ate, not what I ate - what I eat is generally pretty healthy). I was hungry for dinner and actually made a yummy one, and that was neat.

I still feel anxiety about this weekend. I guess the good thing is that it does keep me more connected to God, since I feel more needy. But feeling needy sure isn't fun.

Back At It

Friday - Day 3: Shred Workout 1

Saturday - 2.2-mile run, 2x50 sit-ups (each set = 25 center, 25 rotating side to side), 2x20 push-ups (could only do 20 and 17). I forgot to note before that I did the sit-ups and push-ups on Thursday too.

Sunday - rest

Monday - 2.2-mile run, sit-ups, push-ups (this time did 19, 15 and 3 on the push-ups - really tough! I could not finish each set, so just took a rest and did the final 3 to make a total of 40)

Today I did Workout 1 again, for Day 6 of the month (modified: half of the 2nd set of pushups on knees; used dumbbells on all the cardio, not just final set). It definitely felt harder. Still using the 5-lb weights throughout, although I forgot to mention before that on the anterior raises + side lunges I only use one weight for both hands (and it STILL kills my shoulders!)

We were out of town over the weekend, and I found that I really loved that my morning has jelled into a routine (wake-up, nurse, workout, shower, breakfast). Normally when I'm visiting my family I tend to stay in my pajamas for so long in the morning that, although it's relaxing at first, eventually it makes me feel sluggish and almost always, the rest of the day feels lethargic and not as satisfying because I'm just kind of lounging my way through the day. I like relaxing, but I tend to OD on it when visiting my fam, and too much of anything is yucky. This time I stuck to my morning routine and I felt like it balanced things out more.

I saw some cyclists over the weekend and man did it make me miss cycling! That would be a fun thing to work back into a workout schedule somehow, but I'm not sure when that will be feasible.

Also, I wanted to mention that eating went great over the weekend. The situation I was anxious about went really well - I was able to stay planted internally and not get triggered.

Jess - that's an interesting thing to ponder, about our bodies someday aging. I don't spend much time thinking about it, but I think it will be tough. I know I grieved a lot after Naomi was first born (and when I was sick) because there was so much I could no longer do - and it wasn't like it was bad stuff, it was GOOD stuff! And I couldn't do it. I do sometimes look at Daniel's and my parents, watching them as they age. In the last several years, I've heard each of them talk about it more (they are all in or approaching their 60's). I've observed several different ways of handling that transition, and definitely see some things I do not want to do, and some things I hope and pray I can do. I've seen denial (a strong back-turn to pretend like s/he is half his age and mask the aging process), premature resignation (abandoning attempts to continue doing some healthy things because "I'm just getting old anyway") - I'm not quite sure which of these two responses makes me more sad. But I've also seen modeled a struggle that is somewhere in between - acceptance, but still (a reasonable amount of) fighting to stay as strong and healthy as s/he can. I hope I can do that last one - grief with acceptance, and embracing some of the new joys that come with aging (like wisdom, grandchildren, more time for yourself or others now that your kids are grown, etc). I do think that some things (like having a new heavenly body) can reassure us if we intellectually accept them, even if we don't fully "get" it yet.

Also, thanks for the tip on the side lunges! I'll try that. I did find this morning that straightening my other leg fully seemed to help with the twisting I think I was doing.

Katie - I know exactly what you mean about it being harder to care for yourself if you've already "blown" it. This is one way I see my inner critical voice, and how it can perpetuate some things like overeating. I'm so sorry to hear about your teeth problems, and I hope you're able to get some relief soon.

Now I hear what sounds like a cute puppy whimpering over the monitor, meaning Naomi is awake and REALLY wants to play. Better go :)

Shred Take 2 - Workout 1, Day 1

So Naomi had another bad night last night. I woke up with a throat that felt sore at first, so I immediately started the Zicam and Vitamin C. Hopefully it will catch it. I also hope to take another nap today. (Speaking of which, I did actually lie down yesterday and try to nap. I didn't fall asleep, but I at least could feel my breathing get deep and my pulse slow and all, and I felt much more rested afterwards. I always like naps more when I actually do them than when I think about them.)

I know some people think Workout 1 is boring, but I like it. Then again, I like running and swimming long distances alone, so monotony in physical stuff must not bother me. I think it actually helps organize my internal world a little - at least running and swimming do. I think with the Shred, I then notice ways I'm improving or ways I can challenge myself more.

So today was easier than Workout 3 for sure, but still challenging (except for dumbbell rows and chest flies - those never are. I just need heavier weights). I used the 5 lb weights all the way through, whereas before I was using lighter weights. With that step up, though, I could only do the first set of pushups in the full position, then went to knees. I still don't really like squat+press - it makes my knees feel odd. Same with the anterior raise / side lunges - I just can't do those right. I also noticed my outer shin muscles (?) feeling tweaky, maybe from running? I used the weights for the shadowboxers (ahhhhhh! couldn't keep good form, it was so hard), and then on the whole last set of cardio. I'm planning on trying to make the workout harder with weights or other Wkt 2 and 3 moves (like double jumpropes instead of singles, etc), as I'm able. Don't know of a way to make the ab stuff harder though, and that's too bad. I can feel it when I focus on the best form I can with the bicycles, and maybe I could just do those for all the ab moves throughout.

Had a conversation yesterday where I hurt so much for the person and wanted to help them put up better boundaries, but caught myself from getting enmeshed in it like part of me wanted to. It was hard, but I let their stuff be their stuff. And prayed for them. I also anticipate an event this weekend where I will be with someone who triggers my own internal critical voice and makes me feel insecure. If you think of it, please pray for me to be centered and steady in my interaction with them, and in my anxiety as I anticipate it.

Finally Feeling Glad for All Those Mountain Climbers Jillian Made Me Do

So I was really excited about running today... and then Naomi had a horrible night last night. Woke up about 10 times, and two of the times she was up for about an hour, including lots of loud crying. Thankfully I have a very kind husband who has agreed to tend to her in the night since I can't go back to sleep for at least an hour (if not two) when I'm woken up, even if it's just to put a pacifier back in a certain someone's mouth. But last night at 2 am, I guess it was getting pretty bad and she was not to be comforted, so he brought her to me in desperation for a feeding. I fed her and then she was just ... awake. For over an hour. Yeah, lots of unhappy complaining and crying from her in that hour. Finally around 3, she fell asleep (only to wake back up at 5 and then again at 6...).

So our run happened a little later than planned, but I got to sleep in a little. But it happened - And it was fun! I just did the 2-mile loop on my block, and ran about 1.75 of it. It felt great! Cardiovascularly I felt really good, and that was encouraging since the last time I tried running a bit after a huge break I could really feel it in my heart/lungs. I must say this is probably because of those darn mountain climbers in the Shred, and this morning as I cruised along I was really grateful to Jillian for that!

Since I haven't run in so long my main concern will be shin splints (or other injuries) and not doing too much too quickly. I don't know how my body'll do with 2 miles 3 x's/wk, but I guess I'll find out. I think I'll probably stick to the 2-mile loop but can turn more of it into walking if need be, until I can build back up to it.

So now my personal challenge is to try to nap at least once today... which means right now since Naomi is down for a nap. Ugh. I hate napping. But I feel I should at least try, since my sleep was so disrupted last night.

No run tomorrow, but I'll be starting back at Workout 1 of the 30-Day Shred and am curious to see how that feels after going through the whole thing.

Emily - yes, the cardio in DDR would be a killer ... assuming I could get my feet to actually move that quickly! That boy is amazing. And YES! I would so love to have you over for some DDR! It's always more fun with someone else. :)

Jess - I usually struggle a lot to get back into the normal life after a trip too. And that stinks that your remote went in on the conspiracy and hid himself... Good for you for getting creative and still working on the pull ups and walk :)

Katie - I love the walkout push ups! I'm always surprised when she says they are over. That's cool to be more able to do your housework because of your strength. I am similar with how I've always thought of workouts = calories burned / lots of cardio. But I'm actually usually more pleased when I do more strength stuff too.

Random Group Question: What is your most despised household chore, and how do you deal with it? Mine is scrubbing the bathtub/shower and I deal with it by not doing it for far too long until I am motivated by how yucky it is. No I'm not proud of that.

30-Day Shred Complete!

Woohoo! It feels really good to have finished this! It feels even BETTER to know that it will be awhile before I have to do plank rows with leg lifts or jumping lunges again! :) I had been feeling sick of the shred, and honestly feeling like I saw more results with Workouts 1 & 2 than with 3, but then today I was very surprised to realize after the one set each of traveling pushups and plank rows/lifts in the full-blown position, I was feeling stronger! I was not dying and groaning on the plank rows, and was actually able to do the 2nd set of push-ups in the full-blown position too! That was cool. It was also painful - ow.

I also find it funny that today I finally figured out why I've had these mysterious green bruises on the outside of each thigh just below the hip. I guess I need to work on controlling the weights when I'm doing jumping jacks with my handweights. Heh.

In other news I give my eating a B- for the Monday and Tuesday. But it doesn't matter because I get a 150% for today for working through the emotional stuff that had been behind it. I had a hurtful conversation on Monday and was unable to process it most of the day because I was mommy-ing; the stuffed feelings lingered unnoticed and by this morning I was super frustrated with how I'd been eating the last two days (still forgetting that conversation). When I finally stepped back and processed everything today, I felt much clearer and eating today was super. Overeating/snacking is the nemesis I am learning to love. I know this is probably not true for everyone, but man ... it really is my best indicator for whether or not I'm up to date on dealing with my emotions. I still can't get over how frequently that is true!

I am exhausted from the emotional processing of today, glad my girl is down for the night, and looking forward to a run (or run/walk? we'll see) tomorrow morning.

PS - I had the idea in the shower this morning of what I might do in August: Dance Dance Revolution! I'd need to borrow all the gear, but I did it several years ago for awhile and enjoyed it. I'm not sure if it would be a good enough workout - maybe I'd alternate it with something else (like the shred?) But it might be fun. We'll see how July goes.


This kid is a little young, and I think it's funny to call him a prodigy, but he sure makes it look fun! I also love how he walks away before his score even comes up. :)

Almost done with the 30 days...

... and getting excited at the prospect of possibly running. I say "possibly" because I want to really let myself NOT run if it turns out to be too much and edges me away from doing it regularly. Kelly, I like your idea of alternating: I think I'm going to try it. I've liked having one routine to fall into each day (feed baby, do wkt video, put baby down for nap, shower, eat breakfast), and going outside for the workout means I actually have to wear something decent, which puts a wrench in the current routine. But if I can slip into a new routine, it could work, so we'll see how it goes.

I did Workout 3 again today. Getting sick of it, to be honest. I didn't really think that would happen, but it is. Guess it's a good thing that tomorrow is my last day! I think doing it every other day will be good, because it won't be the only thing I'm doing anymore.

Also, I want to note to myself for later: I HATE HATE HATE doing the plank rows with leg raises in the full-blown position!! Blech! Definitely the worst part of the whole workout for me. The only thing that kept me doing the full-blown position for the first set today (I cannot do it for both sets, nor the push ups), was that I did not want to have to confess on here that I'd gone backwards and done fewer. And the knowledge that if my body is physically able to do it, that means that *I* am able to do it, even if my brain says I can't. Ok. End of tantrum.

Amie (and other La Mirada play-daters) - Thanks for the info! I am hoping I can make it, but not sure if I'll get there in time. Naomi had crummy naps yesterday and Sunday, and this is right at the end of her napping window. If she's awake in time we'll head over and see if anyone is still around. It would be fun to see you and meet your kids.

Yolanda - I am probably not the one to ask about expectations for meeting goals, because after years of being a super goal-oriented person, I am currently in a season of literally setting all outward goals to the wayside because it was putting too much pressure on me. (With postpartum hormones and lack of sleep, I couldn't handle it and the littlest thing could set me over the edge.) Hence the current plan, which is NOT to try to fit into (or try on!) any old clothes that aren't already fitting, nor worry about losing any weight. This was reinspired by Sunday morning's getting-ready-for-church, when I felt like wearing a summery dress and remembered a few in the "don't fit yet" box of pre-pregnancy clothes. Since I'd been feeling so good from working out, I figured they'd probably fit. Um, NO. It was really frustrating - I tried on 3, and even the looser one didn't fit. I think it's mostly that my figure has changed, since my weight isn't that different, but it was really discouraging. The one that did work was a sundress that had doubled as a maternity dress (since it was flow-y), and it cheered me up to wear something cute. But the whole experience sealed the deal that I will not try to fit into old clothes for the foreseeable future, but simply enjoy feeling good and fitting well in the clothes I'm currently wearing. That's partly where the "30 days" thing is coming in for me: I'm planning to try something new each 30 days, which gives me a goal other than weight loss or outward results. I'm not sure what will come after running/shred, but I guess I have another 32 days to figure that out... :)

Christa - I loved/hated hearing about your new "resident(s)." Ew! An Australian accent would get me to try a workout - that is one of my favorite accents. I think Boston accents and UK accents are just below that. I don't have tons of experience with yoga/pilates, but I do know there is a wide variation among the different forms. If it's a really relaxing form of yoga, it would probably even help with falling asleep; but there are also forms of yoga that are more vigorous and that might make it harder? Pilates seems overall more vigorous to me, so that may not work. Don't know. In high school I did a high-impact aerobics video every night before bed and never had trouble sleeping. But I was 17. Maybe try the video midday and see if you feel relaxed afterwards or not before trying it at night? I do think alternating workouts is a great idea - which is why I'm going to try it myself. I think it might help me to mix things up a bit.

Kelly - You could look on Craigslist. And, this is definitely not under $30, but if you want a really good powerful blender the least expensive, good-quality one I've found is the Magic Bullet (technically a food processor but works like a blender with one of the blades). I love mine, although I think all their techniques for chopping are ridiculous and don't work (ie. chopping fruit just produces mush). But if you want something completely blended (like a smoothie), it's great. It's $100 at Costco.

Katie - I love that you poured water on your head before heading out for your walk - smart! Last summer Daniel and I took a hiking trip along the coast of Italy and although you'd think coast = cooler, it was so humid I felt at times like I couldn't breathe! I was concerned about Naomi (I was 6 mos pregnant), but I found that frequently dumping water over my belly kept me from getting heat rash. :)